Children and young people experience a wide range of feelings and thoughts after someone has died

Children and young people can experience a huge range of feelings and thoughts after the death of someone close. You may feel that your children are reacting in unexpected or surprising ways. You may feel that some reactions are inappropriate. Each child and young person will have a unique response to this unique event – and every reaction is natural.

Some people expect – or maybe that should be ‘hope’ – that grief will follow a pattern of responses from disbelief and shock through to acceptance. Bereaved young people will tell you that grief is nowhere near as organised or straightforward. Grief feels chaotic. Grief follows no rules. Think about yourself and how it has felt for you.

So the following list just begins to describe some common responses to the death of someone important. You may also want to take a look at the ‘feelings’ area of the pages for young people to see some of the feelings young people have shared with us. And you may like to look at our ‘This may help’ section for some practical ideas. Common responses include:

Sadness, not necessarily shown in crying. (‘Don’t they realise people cry on the inside too?’)
Guilt. (‘If only I hadn’t refused to tidy my room.’)
Anger, at others and/or at the person who has died. (‘I hate him for riding so fast on his motorbike; he can’t have loved us.’)
Disbelief. (‘If I don’t think about it, she’ll come back.’)
Confusion. (‘I don’t understand anything any more; it’s all jumbled up.’)
Fear. (‘No-one’s safe; they say everyone dies.’)
Rage, often expressed in physical violence to objects. (‘I want to smash up the whole ***** world.’)
Anxiety and a desire to control events and people. (‘What’s going to happen next?’)
Despair. (‘There’s no point in anything any more.’)
Feeling ‘frozen’. (‘I can’t feel anything at all.’)
Avoiding the subject. (‘I’m leaving if you mention Tim again.’)
Wanting to keep busy at all costs. (‘I can’t talk … I’m off to football.’)
Yearning. (‘If I could just see her for a second.’)
Powerlessness. (‘What can I do?’)
Worthlessness. (‘It should have been me who died.’)